Dear six your old me,
I stumbled across an old picture of you today. Gosh you were happy. The world hadn’t pointed out all your flaws yet and you weren’t insecure. You were just happy. Looking at you makes me wonder when did it change. When did I lose the sparkle in my eyes and the optimist perspective that everything would be okay? When did I turn into this self-loathing person whose demons haunt her at night? I never want to lose you; I never wanted the darkness of the pain to become the only thing you see. I’m sorry this isn’t the life we planned. But the life we planned was never possible my love. As we got older I tried so hard to become more than what we were raised to be, more than her and more than that place. In some ways we are more than where we were raised. But in other ways DNA has caught up to us and now your gone and I am more like her than I would like to admit. I’m so sorry young me that you fought so hard to never be like her and I got tired and didn’t want to fight so I gave in. But wasn’t she always in our DNA so it was going to happen? Right? Or is that what I’m simply telling myself so I don’t have to take responsibility for this shit that is life.
Six-year-old me there was no way for you to see this coming. There was no way you could have known that as you got older no one would be there to protect you from her and from the world. I’m sorry that the darkness filled your eyes and now it’s all I can ever see. But seeing your picture also reminded me that I or we are fighters. You survived so that I could be here, so now it’s my turn to survive sot that the next and better version of both of us can be born and carry on this journey for us. It won’t be easy but we can make it. You see we’ve never had many friends but we’ve always had some sort of support and with that we will be okay. Any time I feel like giving up. I will look at you and know that giving up isn’t an option.
I Love you… forever and always
Dear little Girls,
I see you starring at her wanting to be all that she pretends to be. You don’t really want to be her. She is just as damaged as you. She just hides it well. You see sweetheart we are all damaged in some way. Just because you cannot see her pain doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Yes she may have nice clothes and “good hair”. But I love your clothes and I love your good hair.
I see you gazing at the girls who get attention from boys. You want to be noticed. You want them to notice you. The saddest truth you must face is that they don’t want you and you don’t need them. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe she doesn’t want that attention either. You must understand that just because she gets boys attention doesn’t mean she wants it. Maybe she’s just like you and she wanted that attention and when she got it she learned that it isn’t what she really wanted. Maybe she just wanted a friend.
Please don’t look in the mirror and dislike all that you were given. I know that you want to be like the others. But you are you and that’s all that matters. I am telling you this because I wish someone would have told me that it was okay to have flaws. Okay to be different. You see I used to stare at my own reflection and hate everything I seen. I went above and beyond to change what I seen. I took a bleach bath, I straightened my hair, I changed my identity. In the end all that did was leave me with more scars than I can count. It didn’t help and my problems were never solved. I’ve cried over so many things that I didn’t like about myself and about my life. What I learned from those tears is that I had to love myself and I had to know that yes I may not be a super model but believe me some models don’t even look how pictures portray them.
I want you to understand that you are beautiful. Whether you see it or not sweet girl I see it. I see how when you smile you have dimples. I see that even though your teeth may not be straight you smile the hardest. I see your beauty both inside and out. Leave behind the people who don’t see your beauty or want to take away your shine. Don’t let them mask what makes you you. You are unique! You are just as beautiful as anyone else.
Please remember and carry with you, that not everything that glitters is gold. But when you truly love yourself that is when you shine the most. We were all made with beauty never doubt yours!
Be brave wild one! *All GIRLS ARE BEAUTIFUL*
Dear wild one,
I am just like you. I have days when I am happy and I feel like nothing can stop me. But then the very next day I am sad and want to curl up in a ball. I battle the feelings of loneliness. I am no different. We are human and these are the struggles that we face. They are not easy but they don’t always need to be hard.
I know right now it may seem as though the universe is handing you mountains of shit on top of the shit you already have. But please know that everything is a lesson and the pain and despair you feel inside will not and cannot last. It will subside. I cannot tell you when or how it will leave you. But I at least what you to know that it will.
I don’t have all the answers because I am just as lost in this game of life as you are. I cry myself to sleep at night thinking of all my failure and how every night I am alone and no one seems to care. I want you to know that I CARE. I hear your cries and I see your tears. I am not there with you now but I know that it hurts and sometimes you want it to end.
But PLEASE remember that you are loved and you are wanted and needed. Even though it may not feel like that at times PLEASE trust me when I say YOU MATTER. You were created for a purpose so please don’t slip into the pain and let it numb you from the amazing life you were meant to live. Know that when you cry your tears are like tiny raindrops that are allowing you to release the pain that you keep in side.
I am here with you at this moment whether in physical form or just in spirit. I want you to know that even if we never meet that you have a friend. And I will never leave.
Be BRAVE wild one,