Yesterday to me felt like it was going to be just like any other day. New day same crap. But it wasn’t, the universe wanted it to be more than that. You see, I went to the clinic to have my skin test checked. I was expecting to be there for at least 30 mins but it was a simple glance and I was sent on my way. Now, where I live the bus runs only every hour, and I had a whole hour to wait, So I put on a podcast and said maybe the time will pass fast. As I was listening to my podcast an older lady walked over. At first I thought nothing of it, just another person waiting for the bus. I was so wrong. She started a conversation with me and it began with asking me if I was doing school work. (I had been taking notes on my podcast). I replied “No I’m on break from college”. Now normally that would have been the end of a conversation for me. But not in this case; it turned into a 40 min conversation and to me it felt like 5 mins. In those minutes I learned about her battles and demons, I learned how she loves her children unconditionally. Most of all I learned about how humble she is even though she had seen and done so much.
One thing that really stuck with me from our talk was that she had experienced struggle (drug & alcohol addiction) and loss (her parents & son), yet she never marveled in that struggle, she never used her encounters as an excuse. Instead she kept going. She survived. She told me she had been clean for 30 years. My mind was blown because in that 30 years she had lost her son and her parents and NOT once had she turned back to the drugs or alcohol. She stayed clean and carried on. I’ve experienced loss and I wasn’t that strong. I broke apart and allowed myself to wallow in self-pity. You see that one conversation showed me just how much we can actually handle when we remember to “trust that life will take you where you need to go”. That affirmation came from the podcast on abundance by Rachel Brathen. It fit so perfectly because I am a control freak and I need to control everything. But then again there are so many things that you can’t control. You can’t control when people die. All you can control is how you allow it impact your life. She chose to continue on and to be strong. She chose to be HUMBLE. She chose to continue on caring for her family and the environment (she never liters), she choseLOVE. And on that day she chose to share her story with me. A story I will never forget. A story that will always remind me that battles will always occur but if I trust that the universe will meet my efforts and will take me where I need to go then I will be okay and I will continue to live in love.
Here’s my message; Shit happens, Life happens, but don’t let it define you, carry on living in love, and trust that you will always end up where you need to go. And also wisdom can be found in an older generation so listen to what they have to say. It might just change your life.
Let me begin with just one statement “being an adult is hard”. I honestly believe that when you turn 18 and graduate high school, they should hand you your diploma and a manual to being a responsible adult. I am one of the many college students who was 100% unprepared for adulthood.
Now in high school I did take career dynamics class which was supposed to act as a way of preparing us for adulthood. But honestly I don’t think it did. It didn’t prepare you for how many nights you will eat noodles or how many cups of coffee you will need to drink in order to accomplish all that the day requires. They don’t tell you that everyone is going to need money from you (i.e BILLS) and that at the end of the day there never seems to be enough. But if you’re lucky, all of this month’s bills will get paid and you might (just might) have about five bucks left. Career dynamics did not prepare me for how many times I would need to overdraw my bank account just to survive.
I mean had that class told me all of this and ACTUALLY prepared us for these things maybe I would be a bit better off. Though, I would love to blame that class for my misadventures in adulthood but I can’t because the other half of my money wisdom should have come from home… and in my situation it didn’t. A single parent household living on welfare and just barely hanging on was not a home to learn to how to be money smart. Now I’m not saying that every child raised on welfare will have this same experience. My mother was not financially responsible, and hopefully other mothers were.
So my message here is this; being an adult for some reason is abnormally hard. I can’t say it gets better because I don’t know. But I’m hopeful.
With that in mind if you guys have any tips leave them below…
Over this weekend I finally stumbled upon this podcast called the Highly Sensitive Person. After listening to just one episode I felt a feeling this feeling of finally there is someone else who displays these same behaviors as I do. Throughout the episode she referred to her self as a highly sensitive person or an HSP. It immediately made me want to and find out what this was. As I sat on google looking at all of the characteristics something in my head clicked and my personality started to make a little more sense to me.
It now made sense why I can’t watch horror or crime shows, why lights being turned on while I am sleeping immediately wake me up, and why criticism of even the smallest amount will make me cry. For once all of these things made sense. I am the way I am because I am a HSP. I can’t handle large gatherings of people it gives me anxiety. And this isn’t something new; even as a child after church my family would always go and visit with extended family, and every time I would find my way to an area where there weren’t a lot of people because too much was going on. That was constantly my issue, everyone would cast me off as being shy and nervous but how can you always be nervous around people you’ve known your whole life. They were basically family. My issue wasn’t that I was nervous or shy it was simply that the environment was over stimulating so much was going on and people were always loud. It’s the same way with school, I never did well in classes that had too many people. My favorite classes were when the class sizes were small.
Finding this out was like a breath of fresh air. It felt so good to know that there were others that have had experiences much like mine. It was like being a puzzle piece and never finding the puzzle that you connect too. Or something like that. This is one piece of my personal puzzle.
So if there is any one else out there that is a HSP let me know your story and how you deal with being and HSP.
Since the end of last year a lot of things that are out of my control have been happening. But more precisely homes that I have memories in have been going up for sale. Now I’ve lived in many apartments and never felt as much as an emotional attachment as I do to the two houses that will eventually be owned by new families.
When I think about all the times I spent in these homes, it makes me angry because in my selfish mind I feel as though someone should have cleared it with me. When the reality they aren’t even my homes to stake claim on. They belong to these people that I love, and these people have the right to do with them as they please. My issue however isn’t about in some weird way losing memories. This can’t be an issue because we carry our memories with us no matter what. My issue is this:
In both of those homes I felt safe and loved
So how now do I part with that? How do I let go of these homes that I was never scared.. These places I looked at as my safe haven. I will no longer have them as a place to go back and feel that same way.
In order to dissect my feelings more I took a shower by candle light. At the first thought I cried. I cried because I don’t want to lose them even though they aren’t mine to lose. Secondly I cried because once they are owned by another family my safety blanket is gone. There is no where to run that I know will make me feel safe and loved. That fact alone makes my anxiety rise to new heights.
How do I go on in my life knowing that the security blanket is gone. From the time the for sale sign is placed I am on my own. Don’t get me wrong the people who made me feel this way are alive but like most humans they are living there lives. They don’t have time to coddle my emotional being and make me feel these things. And as long as the homes were there I didn’t need them to.
So here I am now struggling to learn how to do all of these things for myself. No houses to run too, just me. How do I give my self these two very essential pieces.
Love and Safety.
I honestly don’t know… and that is the highest truth I can admit to myself is that. I don’t know but most things I read or hear say to start on the inside. So maybe that’s the first step…maybe
Have you ever got great news from someone else about what they have accomplished? When they tell you but deep down inside you low-key feel like shit. It made me questions if I was truly happy for this person. I honestly wanted to be. But the bittersweet part of it is that when you feel like your world is falling apart while everyone else’s is going somewhat right it is really hard to be 100% happy for them. Even though you really want to be. I am trying to be at least 87% there for them and celebrate their success.
I know that people preach don’t be jealous things happen for a reason. But that’s hard to follow when you’ve been waiting for things to go right for a while now. Does that make me a bad person? No!! It is completely normal to feel jealous or envious of someone else. So long as we understand that it is just an emotion. It is something that comes and goes. YOU DON’T NEEED TO ACT ON IT. Accept that that is how you are feeling and then let it pass. Don’t sit in sulk in it any longer than you actually need too. For me this feeling lasted 10-20 minutes. And now I’m typing this post so that something constructive comes from this.
My message here is this: we all feel things… things we may even feel guilty about feeling but at the end of the day we are all human and it comes with the life.
This morning I woke up and like most people in their 20’s the first thing I did was go on my phone and opened up Tumblr. As a scrolled down my feed liking and reblogging things, what stopped me was a picture of John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Seeing their picture made me stop and think about the sort of love I want in my own life one day.
Now I don’t think that you should want a relationship like someone else’s because that is completely unrealistic for many reasons. But the one reason I will give you is that everyone loves differently. With that in mind it is impossible to get a love that is exactly like someone else’s. I do however believe that you can want elements of their love that are more feasible.
Elements like supporting each other 100% and sometimes even more than that. Choosing to never go to bed mad. Finding comfort in each other during rough patches. You see the funny thing is, is that while I list these elements of other people’s love that I admire it makes me think about loving someone unconditionally.
Because when you love unconditionally and are loved unconditionally than all of these should naturally happen. (for the most part). I believe that what made me stop and stare at Yoko and John was the fact that their love was unconditional. A love like that will stand the test of time. It is a love that will always be found in any lifetime that they live. ( if you believe in your soul living multiple lives as I do.. If not that’s cool). I marvel at there love because I have only personally encountered it once… (no it wasn’t me). I got a front row seat to watching how my mentor when I was growing up loved her husband. Their love like John and Yoko’s was unconditional. They loved and accepted each others flaws and baggage. Their love conquered anything that this life can throw at them. Being a girl from a single parent household and where that parent was abusing drugs and alcohol. Love isn’t something that is on display. But having someplace to turn when I wanted to understand love was a blessing.
So I guess my message here is this- -> A love that never dies is a love that is unconditional…
“Distance doesn’t exist, in fact, and neither does time. Vibrations from love or music can be felt everywhere, at all times.”
Lately I have had my nose in a book. This book has made me think about alternate universes. This book is called History is all you left me by Adam Silvera. It is an amazing book thus far. But anyway that isn’t what this post is about. This post is about alternate universes. Which is a subject the book touches on.
First I must ask does anyone believe in the idea that there are many different alternate universes. I mean I do. I think that there are alternative universes and in each one I would like to think I am a better version of current self or I am the same as my current self. I think that just thinking about the possibility of them existing is fascinating. My other thoughts then go to who I would want to be in each of these universes. Like would I want the same family? Who I have the same friends? Would I be blogging? Would I still want to be a teacher?.
The best thing about thinking about alternate universes is that each one isn’t the same so it makes the possibilities of who you can be in each one countless. I would like to think that there is a universe filled with mystical creatures and I am a unicorn. Or there is a universe where everything goes right. Or my ideal one would be a universe where the good don’t die and bad doesn’t exist. I know that sounds lie one big contradiction but its what I would want. There would be no bad and hopefully there would be peace. But probably not because there could be a fight over who is nicer unless all instances of conflict are solved with cake. (I don’t know I’m just spit balling here).
But honestly I think that believing that alternate universes is good. The way I see it imaging that the life that I have here in this reality maybe in some way better than a life that I’m living in another universe is somewhat soothing. I fully believe that I am better than no other human being. But being better than myself on any day is a win.
All I know is that I think that alternate universes are amazing and I hope that the do exist and I hope that one version of me is living life to the fullest and rocking it until I can do so in this life. And I mean she should still be doing great even when I am.
This weekend I spent most of my time on my phone talking to a complete stranger. No SERIOUSLY. I have never met this person and the conversation started over my religious woes. If you read my last post about beliefs than you would be totally in the loop about what is going on.
Anyway I don’t know about anyone else but I really like using the whisper app. It allows me to be connected to others who share similar stories just like mine. I never imagined that a chat would end up consuming most of my weekend. What started out as a simple chat turned into a complete stranger understanding me more than the people me.
This isn’t a sad post. It is simply a reminder that you never know just who may have an impact on you. sometimes it can be a complete anonymous stranger that helps to make you feel a little more understood. I also want people to remember to please be safe online. Do not release private information about yourselves. I didn’t I simply shared my experience in a way that did not disclose any of my personal info.
From a very young age I was always taught to not ask questions and to just go with what I was told. I never questioned why my mother made me go to church… I just went.
As I got older I found myself more and more uncomfortable and not wanting to go to a baptist church anymore. It wasn’t as if this feeling of disbelief and uncomfortablity was new. It has simply been surpressed for so long that when it finally began to come back up it felt new. With that feeling in the pit of my gut I stoped going to church on sundays when I was 16. (At least baptist church). I branched out and gave Catholic Church a try. But that too did not feel comfortable to me. Neither of these churches made me feel a sense of belonging so I stoped going to any form of church by age 17.
As years passed I would say I believed in God. I believed in a sense that I knew nothing different and I still didn’t question anything. It wasn’t until I took a Christian studies class in college that my eyes opened and I began to listen to myself.
My self was telling me that sorry to say I wasn’t a Christian. I also wasn’t full blown atheist. I had this hunger and desire inside of me to know that something out their was a higher power. But at the same time I didn’t really believe in it.
For a while I was happy in my new found discover of who I was. That was until my sister decided that she was going g back to church. At first it had no affect on my life. That was until she made the state that in the new year if you lived in her house you would GO To CHURCH those words at first pissed me off. But now everytime I get up to go to church it is like another match is added to this fire within me. This fire is a growing hatred that I have towards my sister.
I try to tell myself that I am being over dramatic and that it’s not that bad. However the truth of it is when someone else is trying to push their religious beliefs down your throat you began to feel smothered. And that smothering feeling if left long enough turns to hate.( it has for me anyway).
I can’t change the fact that I don’t believe but to be forced to go and pretend that you believe is something that no person should have to do. Why? Because doing it is like being stripped of your rights. That may sound too dramatic for some but it is the truth.
We are all humans. We are all untitled to the same rights. To take those rights away from anyone in a means of making them into someone they are not is WRONG. Whether it is someone in the LGBTQ 🏳️🌈 community or someone who believes differently than you religiously. That is not an excuse to try to make them something they are not or to oppress their beliefs.
I’m not perfect but I know what it’s like to be forced to do something that makes you feel like a little peice of you dies everytime. That feeling is a feeling I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy.
My message here is to please treat humans as the individual unique beings that they are.
There are days when I wake up and my first thought is that I am so lucky. I have an okay life and I don’t have much to complain about. But the moment I step outside of my room (which is my area of peace) it feels like all of this crap just happens. Like at this one moment all of my demons feel the need to fuck with me.
*so then my complaining starts*
Why me? Why can’t I have a good day? What is going to go wrong next?
Those thoughts… GOSH!!! They are thoughts that consumed me and they kept me in a very pessimistic view of life. This Sunday I spent most of the day reading Adventures for your soul by Shannon Kaiser. I am not done reading it…But GOSH it’s so good. In one of the chapters she talks about how your thoughts and what you speak influences the world around you. And at that moment something hit me. Like a bulb went off. And the angels spoke to me. (that’s what it felt like). The message I got was that I spend SO MUCH time complaining about every little thing that goes wrong. But I don’t spend anytime saying thank you for all that goes right.
I’m not saying that you can make changes to how you were conditioned overnight. What I am saying however is that once you see that what you put out into the universe is actually the reason why you are suffering. You begin to see a different way of looking at life. When Shannon Kaiser speaks about this topic, I reflected back on the Buddhist philosophy when it comes to suffering and attachment. Buddhist say that the root of suffering is attachment.
I am so attached to my problems that they then become the reason why I am suffering. But Shannon talks about detaching yourself from your problems. I learned that when I detach myself from my problems they no longer hold the power to cause my suffering.
My message to everyone is this: DO NOT LET YOUR PROBLEMS BE THE REASON WHY YOU ARE SUFFERING. Things will go right and things will go wrong. But as long as we are thankful for all that went right then what goes wrong doesn’t matter anymore.