Since the end of last year a lot of things that are out of my control have been happening. But more precisely homes that I have memories in have been going up for sale. Now I’ve lived in many apartments and never felt as much as an emotional attachment as I do to the two houses that will eventually be owned by new families.
When I think about all the times I spent in these homes, it makes me angry because in my selfish mind I feel as though someone should have cleared it with me. When the reality they aren’t even my homes to stake claim on. They belong to these people that I love, and these people have the right to do with them as they please. My issue however isn’t about in some weird way losing memories. This can’t be an issue because we carry our memories with us no matter what. My issue is this:
In both of those homes I felt safe and loved
So how now do I part with that? How do I let go of these homes that I was never scared.. These places I looked at as my safe haven. I will no longer have them as a place to go back and feel that same way.
In order to dissect my feelings more I took a shower by candle light. At the first thought I cried. I cried because I don’t want to lose them even though they aren’t mine to lose. Secondly I cried because once they are owned by another family my safety blanket is gone. There is no where to run that I know will make me feel safe and loved. That fact alone makes my anxiety rise to new heights.
How do I go on in my life knowing that the security blanket is gone. From the time the for sale sign is placed I am on my own. Don’t get me wrong the people who made me feel this way are alive but like most humans they are living there lives. They don’t have time to coddle my emotional being and make me feel these things. And as long as the homes were there I didn’t need them to.
So here I am now struggling to learn how to do all of these things for myself. No houses to run too, just me. How do I give my self these two very essential pieces.
Love and Safety.
I honestly don’t know… and that is the highest truth I can admit to myself is that. I don’t know but most things I read or hear say to start on the inside. So maybe that’s the first step…maybe
**Be at peace & live in Love**