Since the end of last year a lot of things that are out of my control have been happening. But more precisely homes that I have memories in have been going up for sale. Now I’ve lived in many apartments and never felt as much as an emotional attachment as I do to the two houses that will eventually be owned by new families.
When I think about all the times I spent in these homes, it makes me angry because in my selfish mind I feel as though someone should have cleared it with me. When the reality they aren’t even my homes to stake claim on. They belong to these people that I love, and these people have the right to do with them as they please. My issue however isn’t about in some weird way losing memories. This can’t be an issue because we carry our memories with us no matter what. My issue is this:
In both of those homes I felt safe and loved
So how now do I part with that? How do I let go of these homes that I was never scared.. These places I looked at as my safe haven. I will no longer have them as a place to go back and feel that same way.
In order to dissect my feelings more I took a shower by candle light. At the first thought I cried. I cried because I don’t want to lose them even though they aren’t mine to lose. Secondly I cried because once they are owned by another family my safety blanket is gone. There is no where to run that I know will make me feel safe and loved. That fact alone makes my anxiety rise to new heights.
How do I go on in my life knowing that the security blanket is gone. From the time the for sale sign is placed I am on my own. Don’t get me wrong the people who made me feel this way are alive but like most humans they are living there lives. They don’t have time to coddle my emotional being and make me feel these things. And as long as the homes were there I didn’t need them to.
So here I am now struggling to learn how to do all of these things for myself. No houses to run too, just me. How do I give my self these two very essential pieces.
Love and Safety.
I honestly don’t know… and that is the highest truth I can admit to myself is that. I don’t know but most things I read or hear say to start on the inside. So maybe that’s the first step…maybe
Have you ever got great news from someone else about what they have accomplished? When they tell you but deep down inside you low-key feel like shit. It made me questions if I was truly happy for this person. I honestly wanted to be. But the bittersweet part of it is that when you feel like your world is falling apart while everyone else’s is going somewhat right it is really hard to be 100% happy for them. Even though you really want to be. I am trying to be at least 87% there for them and celebrate their success.
I know that people preach don’t be jealous things happen for a reason. But that’s hard to follow when you’ve been waiting for things to go right for a while now. Does that make me a bad person? No!! It is completely normal to feel jealous or envious of someone else. So long as we understand that it is just an emotion. It is something that comes and goes. YOU DON’T NEEED TO ACT ON IT. Accept that that is how you are feeling and then let it pass. Don’t sit in sulk in it any longer than you actually need too. For me this feeling lasted 10-20 minutes. And now I’m typing this post so that something constructive comes from this.
My message here is this: we all feel things… things we may even feel guilty about feeling but at the end of the day we are all human and it comes with the life.
This morning I woke up and like most people in their 20’s the first thing I did was go on my phone and opened up Tumblr. As a scrolled down my feed liking and reblogging things, what stopped me was a picture of John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Seeing their picture made me stop and think about the sort of love I want in my own life one day.
Now I don’t think that you should want a relationship like someone else’s because that is completely unrealistic for many reasons. But the one reason I will give you is that everyone loves differently. With that in mind it is impossible to get a love that is exactly like someone else’s. I do however believe that you can want elements of their love that are more feasible.
Elements like supporting each other 100% and sometimes even more than that. Choosing to never go to bed mad. Finding comfort in each other during rough patches. You see the funny thing is, is that while I list these elements of other people’s love that I admire it makes me think about loving someone unconditionally.
Because when you love unconditionally and are loved unconditionally than all of these should naturally happen. (for the most part). I believe that what made me stop and stare at Yoko and John was the fact that their love was unconditional. A love like that will stand the test of time. It is a love that will always be found in any lifetime that they live. ( if you believe in your soul living multiple lives as I do.. If not that’s cool). I marvel at there love because I have only personally encountered it once… (no it wasn’t me). I got a front row seat to watching how my mentor when I was growing up loved her husband. Their love like John and Yoko’s was unconditional. They loved and accepted each others flaws and baggage. Their love conquered anything that this life can throw at them. Being a girl from a single parent household and where that parent was abusing drugs and alcohol. Love isn’t something that is on display. But having someplace to turn when I wanted to understand love was a blessing.
So I guess my message here is this- -> A love that never dies is a love that is unconditional…
“Distance doesn’t exist, in fact, and neither does time. Vibrations from love or music can be felt everywhere, at all times.”
Lately I have had my nose in a book. This book has made me think about alternate universes. This book is called History is all you left me by Adam Silvera. It is an amazing book thus far. But anyway that isn’t what this post is about. This post is about alternate universes. Which is a subject the book touches on.
First I must ask does anyone believe in the idea that there are many different alternate universes. I mean I do. I think that there are alternative universes and in each one I would like to think I am a better version of current self or I am the same as my current self. I think that just thinking about the possibility of them existing is fascinating. My other thoughts then go to who I would want to be in each of these universes. Like would I want the same family? Who I have the same friends? Would I be blogging? Would I still want to be a teacher?.
The best thing about thinking about alternate universes is that each one isn’t the same so it makes the possibilities of who you can be in each one countless. I would like to think that there is a universe filled with mystical creatures and I am a unicorn. Or there is a universe where everything goes right. Or my ideal one would be a universe where the good don’t die and bad doesn’t exist. I know that sounds lie one big contradiction but its what I would want. There would be no bad and hopefully there would be peace. But probably not because there could be a fight over who is nicer unless all instances of conflict are solved with cake. (I don’t know I’m just spit balling here).
But honestly I think that believing that alternate universes is good. The way I see it imaging that the life that I have here in this reality maybe in some way better than a life that I’m living in another universe is somewhat soothing. I fully believe that I am better than no other human being. But being better than myself on any day is a win.
All I know is that I think that alternate universes are amazing and I hope that the do exist and I hope that one version of me is living life to the fullest and rocking it until I can do so in this life. And I mean she should still be doing great even when I am.