This weekend I spent most of my time on my phone talking to a complete stranger. No SERIOUSLY. I have never met this person and the conversation started over my religious woes. If you read my last post about beliefs than you would be totally in the loop about what is going on.
Anyway I don’t know about anyone else but I really like using the whisper app. It allows me to be connected to others who share similar stories just like mine. I never imagined that a chat would end up consuming most of my weekend. What started out as a simple chat turned into a complete stranger understanding me more than the people me.
This isn’t a sad post. It is simply a reminder that you never know just who may have an impact on you. sometimes it can be a complete anonymous stranger that helps to make you feel a little more understood. I also want people to remember to please be safe online. Do not release private information about yourselves. I didn’t I simply shared my experience in a way that did not disclose any of my personal info.
Be at peace and live in love
From a very young age I was always taught to not ask questions and to just go with what I was told. I never questioned why my mother made me go to church… I just went.
As I got older I found myself more and more uncomfortable and not wanting to go to a baptist church anymore. It wasn’t as if this feeling of disbelief and uncomfortablity was new. It has simply been surpressed for so long that when it finally began to come back up it felt new. With that feeling in the pit of my gut I stoped going to church on sundays when I was 16. (At least baptist church). I branched out and gave Catholic Church a try. But that too did not feel comfortable to me. Neither of these churches made me feel a sense of belonging so I stoped going to any form of church by age 17.
As years passed I would say I believed in God. I believed in a sense that I knew nothing different and I still didn’t question anything. It wasn’t until I took a Christian studies class in college that my eyes opened and I began to listen to myself.
My self was telling me that sorry to say I wasn’t a Christian. I also wasn’t full blown atheist. I had this hunger and desire inside of me to know that something out their was a higher power. But at the same time I didn’t really believe in it.
For a while I was happy in my new found discover of who I was. That was until my sister decided that she was going g back to church. At first it had no affect on my life. That was until she made the state that in the new year if you lived in her house you would GO To CHURCH those words at first pissed me off. But now everytime I get up to go to church it is like another match is added to this fire within me. This fire is a growing hatred that I have towards my sister.
I try to tell myself that I am being over dramatic and that it’s not that bad. However the truth of it is when someone else is trying to push their religious beliefs down your throat you began to feel smothered. And that smothering feeling if left long enough turns to hate.( it has for me anyway).
I can’t change the fact that I don’t believe but to be forced to go and pretend that you believe is something that no person should have to do. Why? Because doing it is like being stripped of your rights. That may sound too dramatic for some but it is the truth.
We are all humans. We are all untitled to the same rights. To take those rights away from anyone in a means of making them into someone they are not is WRONG. Whether it is someone in the LGBTQ 🏳️🌈 community or someone who believes differently than you religiously. That is not an excuse to try to make them something they are not or to oppress their beliefs.
I’m not perfect but I know what it’s like to be forced to do something that makes you feel like a little peice of you dies everytime. That feeling is a feeling I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy.
My message here is to please treat humans as the individual unique beings that they are.
Be at peace ✌️ and live in love ❤️
There are days when I wake up and my first thought is that I am so lucky. I have an okay life and I don’t have much to complain about. But the moment I step outside of my room (which is my area of peace) it feels like all of this crap just happens. Like at this one moment all of my demons feel the need to fuck with me.
*so then my complaining starts*
Why me? Why can’t I have a good day? What is going to go wrong next?
Those thoughts… GOSH!!! They are thoughts that consumed me and they kept me in a very pessimistic view of life. This Sunday I spent most of the day reading Adventures for your soul by Shannon Kaiser. I am not done reading it…But GOSH it’s so good. In one of the chapters she talks about how your thoughts and what you speak influences the world around you. And at that moment something hit me. Like a bulb went off. And the angels spoke to me. (that’s what it felt like). The message I got was that I spend SO MUCH time complaining about every little thing that goes wrong. But I don’t spend anytime saying thank you for all that goes right.
I’m not saying that you can make changes to how you were conditioned overnight. What I am saying however is that once you see that what you put out into the universe is actually the reason why you are suffering. You begin to see a different way of looking at life. When Shannon Kaiser speaks about this topic, I reflected back on the Buddhist philosophy when it comes to suffering and attachment. Buddhist say that the root of suffering is attachment.
I am so attached to my problems that they then become the reason why I am suffering. But Shannon talks about detaching yourself from your problems. I learned that when I detach myself from my problems they no longer hold the power to cause my suffering.
My message to everyone is this: DO NOT LET YOUR PROBLEMS BE THE REASON WHY YOU ARE SUFFERING. Things will go right and things will go wrong. But as long as we are thankful for all that went right then what goes wrong doesn’t matter anymore.
“Be at peace and live in love”
The ever dreaded feeling of isolation. The dictionary defines lonely as “affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome”. Wow that was powerful description of the word lonely. The key words for me were DEPRESSING, LONESOME, and ALONE. The funny thing about the word lonely is how hard some people try to refrain from describing them selves as lonely.
I know this personally because I am one of those people. ***ooh Shocker***. Well maybe it’s not that surprising. But to actually acknowledge your loneliness is. The other day I read an article from the Elephant Journal (my favorite website) about loneliness. I never realized how one article could get all these gears in your mind turning. When I was done I asked questions like:
~Do I acknowledge my loneliness? ~ How long have I felt lonely? ~ Have I felt lonely even with people around me?
In some way or another the answers to all of these questions were right in my face. I stared at all of these answer everyday when I looked in the mirror. Do I acknowledge the fact I am lonely. NO!!! I mean in my mind who wanted to openly say I’m lonely. I didn’t. But the fact is that you can’t run from your truths. You have to live in them. Openly and whole heartedly. Is it hard? FUCK YES!!!. But I also learned to understand that if the challenge hurts (not physically of course unless it’s the gym) then it will pay off in the end. Is it hard for me to type a blog that says I AM LONELY? Yes but the good that comes of making this post is that hopefully some one else will see it and not feel bad or hurt about being lonely.
Being lonely doesn’t mean that I am loner who sits in the house. Because honestly I don’t. It is a feeling and like most feelings it comes and goes. But acknowledging that I feel it is vital because it means I am no longer running from the truth. Do I crave another human being (i.e Soulmate)? Honestly sometimes. I mean I can’t be the only person who craves their souls true love. But again its not something that I feel all the time. It like the feeling of being lonely comes and goes. And most of the time when I wished I had this person in my life I don’t feel lonely. I could be sad or even happy.
Like I have stated many times and will continue to state I am no expert. All I have to go is my personal experiences with loneliness. I can’t tell you more than I have experienced. But I hope that even my little knowledge will help someone.
So my truth is: Sometimes I feel lonely. It comes and goes but I feel it. I don’t know when I first felt lonely but I think probably middle school. I haven’t conquered loneliness but I learned to embrace it and then move on.
My words of wisdom: Being lonely doesn’t mean you are alone.
It’s that feeling you have when you feel like your about to explode inside…
You’re tired and the world has beaten you down. You don’t want to fight anymore so all you do is cry.
That is the feeling I feel…..
Since you left the darkness has consumed me. It lurks in everything I do.
I tried to escape it.
I ran fast.
Yet it moved faster.
I tried to embrace it.
But then it smothered me in repressed emotions
The darkness has become my enemy and my greatest friend.
It came to take your place the minute you left.
Even if you came back…
The darkness wouldn’t leave.