About two weeks ago one of my biggest fears almost came true. I have always been afraid of being robbed. First because I work hard for what little I do have and would like to keep it. And second because robberies can end terrible. But two weeks ago I had to come to terms with that fear…
Why?? (you may have asked; but even if you didn’t I’m still going to tell you).
Well officially almost two weeks ago my family’s old car was broken in to. The car doesn’t ever move because it needs to be repaired, so it sits on the side of the house. Not knowing that their was absolutely nothing that car, someone decided to break in and see what they could take. ( sucks for them because there was nothing… what a waste of time)
The worst part of this experience for me was that I was home when all of this happened. The first thought that came to my mind was what if they would have tried to get into the house. That thought haunted me… Damn near paralyzed me…. That thought being my first thought led to have an anxiety attack and then tears. But once all of it ended… I was okay (paranoid a little) but okay. I felt blessed that it didn’t escalate any further than them getting into the car.
So being me I felt the need to dissect the entire scenario and get to the root of my fear. And the honest root is that I cant stand the thought of working so hard for everything that I own (which again REALLY isn’t much… I practice or try to practice minimal living) stolen from me by someone. I fully understand that everyone has a background story that 9 times out of 10 you will probably never know about. However that still does not excuse the action. You can be having a hard time and struggling and feel the need to rob someone as a means to help yourself, but on the other side you don’t know what that person has done to get what they have. So what happens if maybe the person that you stole from was a bad person does it justify the actions?? Or what if you stole from that person thinking that they had money but not really knowing that they are struggling too??
These are the questions I was battling with. Mainly because people do not always get to see the behind the scenes view of others life. So why steal from them? Why take what could be their last?
I don’t always understand people. And believe me I really wish I could. But what I do understand is that the world is filled with good people, bad people, and all those in between. Everyday we all wake up and have to decided what kind of person we are going to be.. I have decided I will be a good person. (1) because the world needs more love and kindness and (2) because I’ve had to look my worst fear in the face and I wouldn’t wish that on another.
Your body is where I pray.
It is a temple of magnificent design.Each feature is sculpted in a way that only a god or goddess can be made…Running my fingers down your body reminds me of all the flaws in mine.. I forget my religion when I’m wrapped in your body..
Your body is where I love..
Your body responds to me just as you do. The energy that is released shows me that you want me just as bad. The way you get goosebumps at my touch. The way you shiver as our bodies join.. I think it might be love…
Your body is where I dream…
When we can’t not be together. Your body is what I dream off. I dream of your scent and the way the swear just glides down your face and into your many regions. I can’t tell if it’s a dream or reality…
Your body is my addiction…..
Your body is my heaven.
Rainy days are the best days because they are peaceful and mellow. On days like these all I ever want to do is to just sit and read or sit or write. Today I decided to sit and write… About what I don’t know…. I guess whatever pops into my mind as I sit here….
The word that comes to mind is disappointment. Not that today is disappointing, but disappointment in general. When I started on my journey of living in my complete and honest truth what i faced was a large amount of disappointent. Why? you may ask. Well becuase when I finally opened my eyes to all that was going on around me.. I was disappointed. In my fantasy land that I’ve lived in for so long; everything was rosey and nothing went wrong, (at least not that often). Now I’m not saying that opening my eyes and my mind has made me pessimistic becuase I don’t believe that it has. If anything it has made me want to be more optimistic that things will and can change for the good. I’m not going to give you guys that crap line of “it gets better”; and believe me I could if I really wanted too because I used to give it out all the time.
However, what I learned is that no matter how many times you hand out that same tired line.. There has to come a point when you ask yourself does it really get better? Does my situation change just because I believe it will get better? The sucky truth about it is that it doesnt. That is when disappointment for me set in again. How disappointing is it to find out that this one fix all line that you used wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough in the sense that it allowed me to downplay a lot of the bullshit that was going on aaround me. It allowed me to believe that I didn’t actually have to put forth the effort becuase things would get better magically on their own.
The honest truth is that things don’t and they won’t until you make that change. Until you become the change that you want to see. Now as I tell my friends when they come to me for advice “ I don’t know much of anythng, all I have to reference is my own experiences.”
So here is my experience… life is disappointing only when you allow it to be. When you become the changes that you want to see in your life then everything changes..NOT over night, but over time…
Lying in the dark pretending to be okay.
I lay here because I’m ready to cry and don’t want any one to see my tears.
I know why I want to cry but at the same time I don’t.
I cry because I feel unwanted that person that you won’t look at.
You want the sexy girl with confidence.
You want the one with the killer body that makes everyone turn their heads.
I don’t have any of that.
I’m not a head turner
People barely know I exist.
I don’t have her confidence or her curves.
I have extra in all the wrong places.
I care too much
I’m too sensitive
You wouldn’t want someone like me.
You chase girls like her because they are you fantasy.
Yet I don’t know why I cry at night.
Maybe it’s because I thought I knew who I was.
But that’s proving to be wrong.
I’m insecure and that’s not sexy.
I want love. I want to be wrapped in your arms and to feel your warmth.
I want to know thatt you don’t think of others as we lay together.
I want to feel as though your love is for me and me only.
But stating all that I want doesn’t change the fact that you are not mine.
You belong to everyone….
But I still want you to just be mine…