Wow this year is just about over… Just a little over an hour until the year wraps up. Damn this year has been a ride. It has been both sad and interesting. When I started this blog I was in a dark place. I was sad….
But as I am writing this final 2016 post I am not sad. I am at peace with a lot of things that happened this year. The hardest thing I personally dealt with this year was the lose of my great grandmother. She is the first person that I have personally known and was close to that died. I did not handle it well although I tried to appear at face value that I did. The honest truth is that I didn’t. I had gotten to a place where I was tired and her death was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
It was tough but I am making it. So 2016 was a rough one but its pretty much over and I have so much to be thankful for. All the lessons I learned and the confidence I have gained. I started this blog hiding behind a name because I was afraid. Afraid that people I knew might read and judge me or what I right about. But I am not scared anymore. Im not afraid because I learned that I own my emotions and I can choose to feel fear or I can chose to be brave and walk in my truth.
Walking in my truth is what I am choosing to do. And I hope you guys still stick around and enjoy learning and growing with me. I don’t really know what the theme of this blog is but what I do know is that I am going to be UNAPOLOGETICALLY ME. This means that not everyone may like what I say or post. But in order for me to be me I must post and speak my truth and hope that it touches someone.
SO here we go into 2017 and I am going to give you guys 7 true facts about me:
- I am ME.
- I am not religious.. I am spiritual
- I am a bohemian Hippie
- I will often quote RENT the play by Johnathan Larson
- I am obsessed with astrology and numerology.
- I am a college student with 2 years left
- I am a working on becoming more present in my life and only speaking my truth
A quote for the new year:
Hello internet world the new year will be upon us soon. Isn’t that quite exciting.
When I started this blog, I said I didn’t want to use my real name because I was afraid and going by Marley Fox made this so much easier. But it didn’t, if anything it’s made it harder, because although all my posts are 100% me. It still doesn’t feel like me. So how do I change that. How do I make this 100% me?
Now the obvious answer to reveal my real name right? Well that would be right, but I’m still afraid you see I’m going for a teaching degree and becoming a teacher means I will probably have parents googling me name to check me out.
But my blog isn’t this bad thing like porn. It’s just my thoughts and my poetry and anything else I want to share. So why am I afraid? That’s the question I have to sit and think on because it makes no sense. If you live your whole life in fear than your never really living. Yet being writing as Marley has been so fucking freeing because the me I am in person is a little dull compared to Marley. Yet Marley and me are one. So I won’t change what I write under. But making this post and going into 2017 feeling more 100% is so much better.
So Marley is who I am when I write, I mean common many people go by alias’ when the write I’m not the only one. But hey who knows what the future holds and maybe one day I’ll come out and give my real name…. MAYBE…
Dear six your old me,
I stumbled across an old picture of you today. Gosh you were happy. The world hadn’t pointed out all your flaws yet and you weren’t insecure. You were just happy. Looking at you makes me wonder when did it change. When did I lose the sparkle in my eyes and the optimist perspective that everything would be okay? When did I turn into this self-loathing person whose demons haunt her at night? I never want to lose you; I never wanted the darkness of the pain to become the only thing you see. I’m sorry this isn’t the life we planned. But the life we planned was never possible my love. As we got older I tried so hard to become more than what we were raised to be, more than her and more than that place. In some ways we are more than where we were raised. But in other ways DNA has caught up to us and now your gone and I am more like her than I would like to admit. I’m so sorry young me that you fought so hard to never be like her and I got tired and didn’t want to fight so I gave in. But wasn’t she always in our DNA so it was going to happen? Right? Or is that what I’m simply telling myself so I don’t have to take responsibility for this shit that is life.
Six-year-old me there was no way for you to see this coming. There was no way you could have known that as you got older no one would be there to protect you from her and from the world. I’m sorry that the darkness filled your eyes and now it’s all I can ever see. But seeing your picture also reminded me that I or we are fighters. You survived so that I could be here, so now it’s my turn to survive sot that the next and better version of both of us can be born and carry on this journey for us. It won’t be easy but we can make it. You see we’ve never had many friends but we’ve always had some sort of support and with that we will be okay. Any time I feel like giving up. I will look at you and know that giving up isn’t an option.
I Love you… forever and always