Hello I’m Lost… and Searching For Myself.

I’ve never gotten why people say that if your lost you just need to find yourself. I don’t and can’t understand this for one SIMPLE reason. But because I don’t know how to put it in simple terms I’m going to describe it…
The first thing that comes to my mind when people say find yourself if your lost; is honestly is that what we tell people who come to us when they are visiting a town or new to a town. When someone stops me on the street and says “excuse me how to I get to Broadway St?” I don’t simply look at them and say “if your lost find it yourself”. Now why don’t we say this? Well because it would be rude and if I know at least how to get you halfway there than once you get halfway someone else can help. Right?
 So why then when someone is lost emotionally or spiritually do we tell them to figure it out themselves. YES, I agree that being lost emotionally or spiritually is an inside job. You have to figure things out on the inside. But does that mean that I need to sit alone in a dark room and question my life? Or does it mean that yes I am lost or I’ve hit rock bottom, but now I need help from others and most important I have to help myself in order to get back up.
Right now I am considered lost. I am lost emotionally and spiritually. I don’t know where I belong or what comes next. I’ve been handed bad situation after bad situation. I’ve come to a place where I have but one friend whose thousands of miles away in a different state. So we rely heavily on texting and skyping. Has she helped me on this journey of being lost? YES, as much as she possibly can. But I’ve also come to this place where I feel bad if I reach out to her because she constantly has to hear my same repeating ass drama AGAIN AND AGAIN. I’ve laid down to sleep so many times and just wondered why she’s still my friend. Like my life isn’t exciting, its repetitive as FUCK. So why? But because I can’t figure out WHY I’ve learned to stop asking and just accept that this amazing person still wants to be my friend.
The second and third issues I have with relaying so heavily on my best friend is what about her problems. Am I forgetting to ask? Am I caring the same amount that she cares?. And lastly how do you tell anyone that you’re afraid of being alone? No it’s not that I constantly need someone near or around me. But I’m afraid that I’m SO FUCKED UP that I won’t find anyone to love me.. How do you tell the closet person in the world to you that??
(If your me.. You write in a blog and pray one day she reads.. But doesn’t bring it up until your 85 and playing bingo)
But that doesn’t down play the fact that I’M STILL LOST. I’m still wallowing and self-pity and struggling to get back up. If you were to ask me what I knew about myself I would have to tilt my head to the side and stare at you blankly. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I believe in. and sadly I can no longer envision my future clearly. The worst part is people keep saying your lost. It’s okay your just lost. But no one is saying where this process of being not lost starts. WHERE THE FUCK DO I BEGIN SO THAT I’m NOT LOST!!!!
That’s the million-dollar question that no one answers. They just go it’s an inside job. But isn’t my inside the part that is lost?

ttyl,

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M.Fox

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