The big D word is something that I feared for so long. I feared it because I never wanted anyone I loved to die. But once I began my spiritual journey to finding out who I was, I began to be at peace with death being such a natural part of life. Your born, you live, you love, you die.
I truly had thought that i was at peace with death until someone who was such a big part of my life died. When I first heard she was even sick I was so shocked because in my fantasy land my great grandma would live forever. Her battle was so fast (at least to me it was). On last Monday November 7th, 2016 she passed.
At first I just sat there and I didn’t know what to do. So I pretended it didn’t happen and went back to what I was doing. But then that night I cried. I cried because I was selfish. YES I was selfish. I knew she was in pain yet I begged and prayed for the universe and what ever higher power that is out there to let her stay. But deep down I knew that death would bring her peace. After that cry I tried not to cry again. So in order to not cry I don’t like to bring it up.
However upon sitting on my bed listening to Ed Sheeran his song Afire Love, came on and I cried again. I wanted to pretend to be so strong and tell people I don’t need to grieve my loss. But the honest truth is I don’t know how to grieve. I don’t now how to stop and just feel sad. Why because my entire life has been about hiding my emotions so that everyone around me can feel theirs and have the attention. So with so many people telling me I need to grieve it makes me angry because saying how to even start. How do you grieve a loss that still feels so surreal. Its like I am waiting for her to walk through the door but I know shes not. How do you grieve when your closet friend who you bear your soul to isn’t close and the rest of your family pretends that you do not have feelings.
I know that everyone grieves differently, so I guess that maybe not grieving is my way of grieving. Although my fear is that when it hits me, it will hit hard.
Death is a part of life, but its also the hardest part.