Monthly Archives: November 2016

Controlling Destiny 

As I write this out on my phone it is raining and I am sitting on a bus listening to RENT the movie soundtrack. The song last played was Another day. The one line that stuck out to me was:  

I CANT CONTROL MY DESTINY 
It had me like damn…

You see I have control issues as a some what half ass young adult. I feel the need to control everything because as a kid I could controlled nothing and my life was shit. 

But what this song just reminded me was the fact that you can’t control your destiny. You control the choices and decisions you make, but your ultimate destiny you can’t control because you don’t know it. You don’t know what problems will occur. You don’t know anything all you know is the situations that happen as they come. 

That’s my 2nd issue: waiting for the unknown to happen. It’s a shitty thing to wait. I hate waiting. But some of the greatest blessing come from waiting. I guess… 
So if you can’t control destiny… What do you do in the mean time?


That’s the question that I’m left with. My current answer is to rediscover the things you love. rediscover the beautiful poser that lives inside of you and then when the situations happen either good or bad you’ll be prepared… 

Xoxoxo, 

Marley 

Hello I’m Lost… and Searching For Myself.

I’ve never gotten why people say that if your lost you just need to find yourself. I don’t and can’t understand this for one SIMPLE reason. But because I don’t know how to put it in simple terms I’m going to describe it…
The first thing that comes to my mind when people say find yourself if your lost; is honestly is that what we tell people who come to us when they are visiting a town or new to a town. When someone stops me on the street and says “excuse me how to I get to Broadway St?” I don’t simply look at them and say “if your lost find it yourself”. Now why don’t we say this? Well because it would be rude and if I know at least how to get you halfway there than once you get halfway someone else can help. Right?
 So why then when someone is lost emotionally or spiritually do we tell them to figure it out themselves. YES, I agree that being lost emotionally or spiritually is an inside job. You have to figure things out on the inside. But does that mean that I need to sit alone in a dark room and question my life? Or does it mean that yes I am lost or I’ve hit rock bottom, but now I need help from others and most important I have to help myself in order to get back up.
Right now I am considered lost. I am lost emotionally and spiritually. I don’t know where I belong or what comes next. I’ve been handed bad situation after bad situation. I’ve come to a place where I have but one friend whose thousands of miles away in a different state. So we rely heavily on texting and skyping. Has she helped me on this journey of being lost? YES, as much as she possibly can. But I’ve also come to this place where I feel bad if I reach out to her because she constantly has to hear my same repeating ass drama AGAIN AND AGAIN. I’ve laid down to sleep so many times and just wondered why she’s still my friend. Like my life isn’t exciting, its repetitive as FUCK. So why? But because I can’t figure out WHY I’ve learned to stop asking and just accept that this amazing person still wants to be my friend.
The second and third issues I have with relaying so heavily on my best friend is what about her problems. Am I forgetting to ask? Am I caring the same amount that she cares?. And lastly how do you tell anyone that you’re afraid of being alone? No it’s not that I constantly need someone near or around me. But I’m afraid that I’m SO FUCKED UP that I won’t find anyone to love me.. How do you tell the closet person in the world to you that??
(If your me.. You write in a blog and pray one day she reads.. But doesn’t bring it up until your 85 and playing bingo)
But that doesn’t down play the fact that I’M STILL LOST. I’m still wallowing and self-pity and struggling to get back up. If you were to ask me what I knew about myself I would have to tilt my head to the side and stare at you blankly. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I believe in. and sadly I can no longer envision my future clearly. The worst part is people keep saying your lost. It’s okay your just lost. But no one is saying where this process of being not lost starts. WHERE THE FUCK DO I BEGIN SO THAT I’m NOT LOST!!!!
That’s the million-dollar question that no one answers. They just go it’s an inside job. But isn’t my inside the part that is lost?

ttyl,

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M.Fox

Dreaming of You (Our Love Series 2)

I haven’t seen you in weeks… I’ve missed you. We didn’t exchange numbers. I don’t even know your name…But god, how I wish I would have asked…

As I lay awake tonight. I dream of you. I dream of your scent. So sweet yet so manly. I dream about the outline of your face as we danced under the red light. I dream of your eyes and how they stared so deeply into my soul that I felt naked. I dream about you wanting me with the same fire that I want you. I hope you want me…

I dream of how it would feel to have your warm hands caress my body as we dance again but this time the dance would never end. We would be locked in each other’s arms for all of eternity. It would be bliss for me but what if it isn’t bliss for you?

I dream that you lay awake thinking of me and all that we could be or should be. I hope that you remember the dress that I wore and how it curved to my body with such elegance. I hope that you remember how my body fit perfectly with yours…

I really just need to know that you dream of me; Just as I dream of you…

 

Dealing with Death

The big D word is something that I feared for so long. I feared it because I never wanted anyone I loved to die. But once I began my spiritual journey to finding out who I was, I began to be at peace with death being such a natural part of life. Your born, you live, you love, you die.

I truly had thought that i was at peace with death until someone who was such a big part of my life died. When I first heard she was even sick I was so shocked because in my fantasy land my great grandma would live forever. Her battle was so fast (at least to me it was). On last Monday November 7th, 2016 she passed.

At first I just sat there and I didn’t know what to do. So I pretended it didn’t happen and went back to what I was doing. But then that night I cried. I cried because I was selfish. YES I was selfish. I knew she was in pain yet I begged and prayed for the universe and what ever higher power that is out there to let her stay. But deep down I knew that death would bring her peace. After that cry I tried not to cry again. So in order to not cry I don’t like to bring it up.

However upon sitting on my bed listening to Ed Sheeran his song Afire Love, came on and I cried again. I wanted to pretend to be so strong and tell people I don’t need to grieve my loss. But the honest truth is I don’t know how to grieve. I don’t now how to stop and just feel sad. Why because my entire life has been about hiding my emotions so that everyone around me can feel theirs and have the attention. So with so many people telling me I need to grieve it makes me angry because saying how to even start. How do you grieve a loss that still feels so surreal. Its like I am waiting for her to walk through the door but I know shes not. How do you grieve when your closet friend who you bear your soul to isn’t close and the rest of your family pretends that you do not have feelings.

I know that everyone grieves differently, so I guess that maybe not grieving is my way of grieving. Although my fear is that when it hits me, it will hit hard.

Death is a part of life, but its also the hardest part.

Marley….

Dance ( Our Love Series: Part 1) 

The party is tonight. I don’t want to go.
My friends say I’ll have fun. They say go out you never do.
I guess I’ll go.
Just this once.

The music is loud and the air is sweaty.
My dress is too tight and my feet hurt
People are drinking and the lights are low.
I don’t want to be here.

But then I see eyes I’ve never seen before.
They say come talk to me.
But I’m too shy…

You come over...
You smell like a summer night under a full moon.
You whisper ever so softly and ask if I want to dance.
I can’t dance…
You say that’s fine you’ll lead.

One dance turns to three.
Three turns into seven.
I don’t want to leave anymore.
But the party is over and the dancing is done.

My friends come and drag me away.
I never got your name…
You never gave me yours
All we did was dance…

What Do I Stand For?

What do I stand for? A longing question that never seems to leave. With so many different issues that exist today what do I stand for. There is so much to go out and protest but which one is the one issue that will legit make me get off my ass and do something, there are so many issues I felt like I stood for, but that just merely meant me signing an outline petition. Which isn’t hard to do at all. And don’t get me wrong petition can do so much. But there is nothing like getting out there and actually doing the peace walks and protesting with those who believe the same as you do on this one issue where we will stand united.

Now for me I haven’t found that one hot ticket issue that I won’t stand for. I mean I one point, I did and it was for the senseless killing of Harambe. Yup that one got me on my feet signing petitions, tweeting, Instagramming, and do anything to have my voice heard on this issue. I was for everything Harambe because I understood how much of an impact this one killing had. And yes I know he was a gorilla but his species was going extinct and we had to lose another one at the hands of human error. I was angry at the response of others saying that would have shot him to protect their child. But WHY? I could rant on this topic forever but it wasn’t the true meaning of this post.

The meaning was this, since that incident I have not had any real issues that make me want to jump up and fight the good fight.Do not get me wrong I have been following the Black Lives Matter battle, and being a black young adult I do truly care. Believe me I do. However in the area I live in it is also not something I’m going to go shout from the top of a building and expect changes to happen. And being someone who actively signs petitions it makes me angry and sad that I am not doing more. Have any of you had that thought?

So my question to you is what do you stand for?

xoxoxo

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