As I write this out on my phone it is raining and I am sitting on a bus listening to RENT the movie soundtrack. The song last played was Another day. The one line that stuck out to me was:
I CANT CONTROL MY DESTINY
It had me like damn…
You see I have control issues as a some what half ass young adult. I feel the need to control everything because as a kid I could controlled nothing and my life was shit.
But what this song just reminded me was the fact that you can’t control your destiny. You control the choices and decisions you make, but your ultimate destiny you can’t control because you don’t know it. You don’t know what problems will occur. You don’t know anything all you know is the situations that happen as they come.
That’s my 2nd issue: waiting for the unknown to happen. It’s a shitty thing to wait. I hate waiting. But some of the greatest blessing come from waiting. I guess…
So if you can’t control destiny… What do you do in the mean time?
That’s the question that I’m left with. My current answer is to rediscover the things you love. rediscover the beautiful poser that lives inside of you and then when the situations happen either good or bad you’ll be prepared…
The big D word is something that I feared for so long. I feared it because I never wanted anyone I loved to die. But once I began my spiritual journey to finding out who I was, I began to be at peace with death being such a natural part of life. Your born, you live, you love, you die.
I truly had thought that i was at peace with death until someone who was such a big part of my life died. When I first heard she was even sick I was so shocked because in my fantasy land my great grandma would live forever. Her battle was so fast (at least to me it was). On last Monday November 7th, 2016 she passed.
At first I just sat there and I didn’t know what to do. So I pretended it didn’t happen and went back to what I was doing. But then that night I cried. I cried because I was selfish. YES I was selfish. I knew she was in pain yet I begged and prayed for the universe and what ever higher power that is out there to let her stay. But deep down I knew that death would bring her peace. After that cry I tried not to cry again. So in order to not cry I don’t like to bring it up.
However upon sitting on my bed listening to Ed Sheeran his song Afire Love, came on and I cried again. I wanted to pretend to be so strong and tell people I don’t need to grieve my loss. But the honest truth is I don’t know how to grieve. I don’t now how to stop and just feel sad. Why because my entire life has been about hiding my emotions so that everyone around me can feel theirs and have the attention. So with so many people telling me I need to grieve it makes me angry because saying how to even start. How do you grieve a loss that still feels so surreal. Its like I am waiting for her to walk through the door but I know shes not. How do you grieve when your closet friend who you bear your soul to isn’t close and the rest of your family pretends that you do not have feelings.
I know that everyone grieves differently, so I guess that maybe not grieving is my way of grieving. Although my fear is that when it hits me, it will hit hard.
Death is a part of life, but its also the hardest part.
The party is tonight. I don’t want to go.
My friends say I’ll have fun. They say go out you never do.
I guess I’ll go.
Just this once.
The music is loud and the air is sweaty.
My dress is too tight and my feet hurt
People are drinking and the lights are low.
I don’t want to be here.
But then I see eyes I’ve never seen before.
They say come talk to me.
But I’m too shy…
You come over...
You smell like a summer night under a full moon.
You whisper ever so softly and ask if I want to dance.
I can’t dance…
You say that’s fine you’ll lead.
One dance turns to three.
Three turns into seven.
I don’t want to leave anymore.
But the party is over and the dancing is done.
My friends come and drag me away.
I never got your name…
You never gave me yours
All we did was dance…
So first I would love to thank anyone and everyone who read my last month long poem series called run away.
So because that one went well I am doing another this one is called Our Love. This will be the journey of two people from their first meeting until their time on earth is over. I teally hope you guys like it…
A new poem will be posted on Sunday’s !!!!
What do I stand for? A longing question that never seems to leave. With so many different issues that exist today what do I stand for. There is so much to go out and protest but which one is the one issue that will legit make me get off my ass and do something, there are so many issues I felt like I stood for, but that just merely meant me signing an outline petition. Which isn’t hard to do at all. And don’t get me wrong petition can do so much. But there is nothing like getting out there and actually doing the peace walks and protesting with those who believe the same as you do on this one issue where we will stand united.
Now for me I haven’t found that one hot ticket issue that I won’t stand for. I mean I one point, I did and it was for the senseless killing of Harambe. Yup that one got me on my feet signing petitions, tweeting, Instagramming, and do anything to have my voice heard on this issue. I was for everything Harambe because I understood how much of an impact this one killing had. And yes I know he was a gorilla but his species was going extinct and we had to lose another one at the hands of human error. I was angry at the response of others saying that would have shot him to protect their child. But WHY? I could rant on this topic forever but it wasn’t the true meaning of this post.
The meaning was this, since that incident I have not had any real issues that make me want to jump up and fight the good fight.Do not get me wrong I have been following the Black Lives Matter battle, and being a black young adult I do truly care. Believe me I do. However in the area I live in it is also not something I’m going to go shout from the top of a building and expect changes to happen. And being someone who actively signs petitions it makes me angry and sad that I am not doing more. Have any of you had that thought?
So my question to you is what do you stand for?