So a few days ago I got the strength to in a sense to open a door that I personally had slammed shut and told my self just wasn’t meant to be. It’s not a romantic type of door that I closed but it was family. I had told myself that I didn’t like anyone who had anything to do with my biological father because of his actions. For awhile I was okay with living that lie. But recently as I have been transforming the way I think and handle Situations it hit me like a trunk that I cant keep blaming everyone associated with him for his behavior that’s all him.
It showed me (well nagged at me) the fact that I had cut off so many people who didn’t do anything to me. It showed me that once again I was letting fear run my life. I tell myself everyday “today’s the day fear won’t rule me” but than one little thing will happen and I’m back to the comfort of fear like a frightened child running to her mom for comfort. Wanting to feel the safety net that comes with never exploring beyond what fear wants you too. It’s a cycle that I become so accustomed too.
But for once I chose to live in my truth and not let fear stop me from reaching out. Now deciding what to send in my sort of long but short message was the most nerve racking thing I’ve done this week. I mean I wanted to send a message that said I want to get to know you but I don’t want to associate with my sperm donor because I still don’t like him. I wanted it to be an apology but not an apology because I won’t apologize for how I felt at that time. So during this process I eventually came out with the right words that explained why I stopped talking and why I was reaching out now. Once I hit that send button I was nervous and antsy. I didn’t know what the answer would be. I even texted my best friend a screen shot just make sure I used the right words.
Well a day later I got a response and it was good. but what this taught me was that I can’t allow fear to stop me from the things that could turn out to be good or even the things that turn out shitty. Living life is about experiencing different things that make you stronger. I wouldn’t be the fighter I am now had I not had a shit childhood. that’s my truth.
If you guys want to share your story feel free too,
Until next time wild ones!