Last night while I was laying in bed scrolling through the Internet (instead of sleeping). I stumbled across a page on lonerwolf.com that had a test to determine what percentage of a guilt complex you had. No prior to taking this test, I already knew I had a guilt complex. You see for those who don’t know what a guilt complex is it can be compared to this obsessive disorder that revolves around the idea that you’ve done wrong.
I have personally been dealing with my guilt complex since I was younger. I never felt that I did enough for others and then that would make me feel guilty. I along with this I would talk done to myself about every little thing that I did wrong whether or not anyone else but me considered it wrong. Over the years it hasn’t gotten any better in fact I would say as an adult it’s gotten worse.
I feel the need to constantly blame myself for every small thing that goes wrong. I also allow myself to take the blame for things that have absolutely nothing to do with me. Along with these I also always have the compulsive need to apologize for things that I did and didn’t do. Honestly this list could go on for days if I let it. However I’m hoping you get the gist of what I am saying.
So back to the test that I took. This test determined that I had a 95 out of 100 for having a guilt complex. Personally I felt that it was very accurate because I do have a really bad guilt complex.
Upon reading my results, something sparked in me to share my story of living with a guilt complex. Primarily because I wanted anyone who happens to read this and has a guilt complex like myself to know that it is okay and I know what your going through.
For me the next step in acknowledging my guilt complex is to find out where it stems from. For me personally it comes from many different places, such as a poor childhood, battling low self-esteem, and some is from the religious ties I held years ago. I grew up in a household where I was constantly being blamed or taking the consequences for something I had nothing do with. This came from the fact that I was not my mothers favorite child, that title fell to my older sister and younger brother. Those two were her prides and joys. I on the other had happened to be an obligation that she didn’t necessarily want. So when ever one of them would do something but wasn’t around or even when she didn’t want to blame them their consequences automatically fell to me. I can’t describe how many times I had gotten in trouble or had rage showed towards me for something I had nothing to do with.
As I got older more fuel was added to my guilt complex, let’s see the feeling of never doing good enough, anxiety, and constant friendships were I was treated like shit. They say if you get treated like shit long enough that’s how you begin to feel you belong to be treated. For me that is exactly what happened. I no longer associated people with their own actions. In my mind people treated me the way they did because I had somehow unconsciously asked to be treated that way.
So knowing a little bit about where my complex comes from. I have to sit here and ask myself what I am going to do about it. Am I going to allow the obsessive guilt I feel to eat away at me all the time? Or am i going to go through the necessary steps in order to change it?
I guess the answer for me is that I am going to change it. But this also means I have to acknowledge the fact that I am going to need some Real help and not just self- help books. Because although they are useful the issues that I am facing comes from years of mistreat of myself. And there for I have to admit that I am going to need professional help and that is something I really do not want to do but for once I have to think about what is best for my overall mental health.
Please to anyone reading this who may be suffering from a guilt complex.. Please just know that everything is NOT YOUR FAULT
If you want to learn more about Guilt Complex I will leave links below: